Why?!

Why do kids have to sit in the back of the car until they’re like 13 years old? 13, exactly the age when they don’t want to be seen with us anymore. Wouldn’t it be better if infants who need us the most could sit upfront next to us, and 13 and older would have to sit in back of the car, constrained in a car seat as far away from us as possible?

Wouldn’t it be better if we were born rich instead of die rich? Doesn’t it make more sense? We would have our entire lives to spend our money, rather than working to acquire it.

Do birds get extra points for pooping on our heads? Is it on a scaling curve like 1 point for a parked car, 2 for a moving car, 3 points for a human head, and like 5 points for a bald head…like mine 2 weeks ago?

Is there a correlation between how much we eat and the way our clothes shrink…after washing? It’s the maid’s fault, right?

Benefits of baldness: no more bad hair days, save time and money (no more gels, or mousse or hair spray), no more haircuts or tipping after haircuts, more vitamin D (more exposure to the sun), look older and more distinguished, and a healthier marriage (on the count of who’s going to look at my bald husband)…so more trust and security and there you go. Bald is beautiful and…economical.

Gizzilion dollar idea: Elon Musk (Tesla) should come up with a way to harness the energy from the sun absorbed by bald heads (just like solar panels) and turn it into renewable energy to charge our phones…we can call it Balderry, or ScalpPack…

Fried food tastes great, but vegetables and fruits are healthier, we all know that. What if we fry our fruits and vegetables and get the best of both worlds? You’re welcome.

Do we still have to get driver’s licenses when cars start to drive themselves? Can they invent autonomous marriages? Would we then still need to get marriage licenses, Kathy do I have to sleep with our dog tonight?

We have Google, why do we spend thousands of dollars to send our kids to school? You think 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Johnson knows more than Google or Facebook or Instagram? Just get your kids a laptop, Wi-Fi, and some food and send them to their room. They’ll act like they know everything anyways, so what difference does it make? If they don’t get a good paying job, you can always say they work with Google.