You’re Persian if (Part 8)

1.    If when you’re buying something from another Persian (like a car or property…), you’re always hesitant wondering “why are they selling it? If it was good they wouldn’t be selling it…there must be something wrong with it” and they want to make sure the seller makes very little or no profit and say “hala yek bar zarar kon” (lose money one time)…definitely Persian.

2.    If older men dance like they’re driving a truck, milking a cow or have shoulder spasms…and women dance like they can’t decide if they want to go to the right or to the left, or if they’re trying to close the car door with their hips, and some girls pretend like they don’t know how to dance (man balad nistam) and all of a sudden dance like Jamileh…(Naz be-shi)! Purrrrsian.

3.    If your neighbors either absolutely love you, or whole-heartedly hate you: All the big late-night gatherings, honkings, double- car parkings with the “I’ll be back in 5 (Persian) minutes”…or the Persian hospitality…so either love or hate, there is no middle!

4.    If you’re suddenly a ‘blonde’ but your complexion really really shouts “brunette;” or if you’re a man and your head looks like you just had asphalt poured on it…tar with black spots on his forehead…yup Persian.

5.     If you use an animal in almost every sentence: moosh bokhoratet (mice eat you), khar nasho (don’t become a donkey), zahre mar (snake poison), olagheh (he’s a mule), gaveh (he’s a cow)…cheghadr sagi (why are you such a dog)…you’re probably a pedarsag Persian (your father is a dog).

6.    If every dubbed movie your parents watch has the exact same female voice who sounds like she just had sex (Morteza, mano doost dary?), no matter how old and what she looks like…and every man sounds either like Clint Eastwood or Pee-wee Herman on steroids…Persian.

7.    If your parents/grandparents make it well known that they expect a grandSON, and when it’s a girl say “it’s ok, as long as it’s healthy”…while biting their lips and…the taadig and chicken breast always goes to the Golden Doodool son and he’s allowed to screw anything that moves but the daughter must remain a ‘virgin’…Persian.

8.    If you use ‘violent’ terminology when offering food, like: “Yek Kabob mizany?” or “yek abjo bezan too rag” or “zahre mar bokhoreh.” Why would you beat a Kabob, or puncture your veins with a beer or wish someone eat snake poison? Persian, that’s why.

9.    If you see 3 ladies on the sidewalk walking together super fast, wearing gym clothes and either huge straw hats or giant visors, with Fannie packs strapped to their waist, talking about last night’s doreh….“Geda mordeh faghat ye polo gozashte bood!” You guessed it, Persian.