You are Persian if (Part 5)

May 20, 2020

1- You’re Persian if there are 50 of you eating in the hospital waiting room…next to the sign that says “NO EATING IN THIS AREA” and you tell the worker “oh I’m sorry we don’t espeak inglish” and “ver is the firi coffee?”

2- At parties you hire a bodyguard (grandkids, your own kids, new son-in-law…) to take the centerpiece flower home…and you walk 10ft ahead of him so no one sees it’s for you

3- You talk for 3 weeks about a party you were at for only 20 minutes, and that so and so wore the same dress they wore a year ago, or that their purse was fake and that ring, that ring…size of a estekan (tea cup)

4- The richer the person, the more people at their funeral (FOMO and fear of not being seen…) and the longer their kid’s wedding ceremony…the rabbi(s) somehow always have a lot more to say when the families are super rich: “Famileh kheily khooby hastand…man mishnasameshoon” (good family, I know them)

5- When you’re driving looking for a Persian party, you always look for a cluster of parked Mercedes and BMWs…”this must be it” (but that was 15 years ago…now it’s Rolls Royces, Bentleys and…) oh and the host somehow always ‘accidentally’ leaves the garage door open…ok we saw your car!

6- If you and your caterer both know 50 guests really means 85 and that the sushi station is mandatory…even if the theme is Latin or Mexican with a Mariachi band in the back yard…God-forbid there is no sushi

7- You eat a plate of tahdig with ghorme-sabzi…and still claim you’re on a diet: “Man berenj nemikhoram” (I don’t eat rice) Right and I didn’t see you eat 3 plates full of everything…but hey who’s counting

8- You must be Persian if you get offended at the doctor’s office when they ask you to pay the copay. “Vy? I have insurance, talk to the doctor…I never pay…I know the doctor…Do-ktor ver are you?”